The Hidden Child
by ValaMalDoran-Jackson
Summary: Now Complete!
1. Chapter 1

The Hidden Child

My name is Samantha Shae Carter-O'Neill, and I am nineteen years old. I have lived with a friend of my parents, Ishta of Hak'tyl, for eighteen years and five months. My parents were forbidden by duty to love one another, but they defied the odds to create me. My mother was ordered to terminate the pregnancy, she lied to protect me. Her fear for me was evident through the bond that mother shares with child, and as such, I have always been afraid of the worlds outside my home. My father was taken from her before I was even two months in her womb, he sent his closest friend to assist my mother with her delivery when I entered their world. I don't remember my parents, or my arrival on Hak'tyl, but I have seen pictures of the people that I was born to, and can only guess at what it was like.

My mother looks like an angel in my dreams, a crown of golden hair falling over her shoulders, eyes as blue as the sky above us. My mother is crying as she hands me to my father's friend, his dark skin frightening me after my mother's lighter tones. Then he is wrapping me in a blanket before he helps my mother to her feet. They must act as if nothing has transpired between them. Teal'c wraps me tighter as we approach something they call the mountain. Just before they part ways, my mother unwraps the blanket from my tiny face and gently wipes away my tears before kissing my forehead. I wail louder, knowing that she is soon to leave me. Pulling something from her uniform, my mother gently puts it between my lips and I am silenced. Teal'c waits for her to surrender me to him completely. "For her own safety." he tells my mother softly when she hesitates. Then she is gone, and he wraps me again in the kel'no'reem mat he had taken with him when my mother's time came upon her. They had planned their deception well, including how to get me through the chappa'ai to safety. Teal'c told their superiors the day of my mother's labor that he was needed on his own homeworld of Chulak, where I would be taken before my arrival on Hak'tyl. I was only hours old when I was placed into the arms of Teal'c's bonded daughter. She had delivered a stillborn child only days ago, and I was sustained by her child's nourishment while Cor'rin herself was overjoyed to have a child to raise. No one on Chulak knew of her child, her husband, Teal'c's son had tried to protect her from the pity that surrounds a childless mother in villages. My arrival ended that, and I was raised as their daughter until we came to Hak'tyl.

I am my mother's lie, my father's disobedience, and their hidden child. For that, I wonder if I shall ever see them. I have never laid eyes on my father, only in the yearly photographs Teal'c is able to smuggle to me when he arrives to visit his son and bonded daughter. He tells me each time he sees me that my parents would be proud of the woman I am now, that they send their love. I wonder, do they really? I am the one thing that could end their careers if I am brought to the attention of their superiors. My birth parents are heroes to my adopted people, and I am revered as their daughter.

Two years ago during the harvest season, I was bonded to a young man on Hak'tyl. I hoped my parents would come, but only Dr. Jackson and Teal'c did, ostensibly as the stand-ins for the people I came from, the people of Tauri. Our allies against the Goa'uld, guests from Taure', they were highly anticipated, and I was among the ones at the chappa'ai to greet them. I was told before their arrival that my parents were coming, that they were going to meet me for the first time. Dr. Jackson seemed startled when I asked of them, but told me that it was not that they did not want to see me, but much paperwork to send an entire team off world for a festive occasion. I hear his words that he does not speak, they were afraid that their lies and deceit would be caught out when asked why they were invited to my bonding. To their superiors, I am just a woman from the planet. That is why Dr. Jackson came, to study the cultural bonding, and Teal'c to see his family. No one comes just to see me.

I touch my swollen belly with wonder, my child is due at any time. I wonder if this is how my golden mother felt when she placed her hands over my tiny kicking feet, or laughed when I twisted uncomfortably inside her womb. Did I ever pain her when she awoke in the mornings, heavy with me? Did my father ever awaken her some nights, his hands on her belly as the child kicked, as my husband does?

I fear I will never know these things, as I will always be their hidden child.

********

When my labor begins, I am watching the chappa'ai for Teal'c, Cor'rin, Ry'ac, and my husband's return from their mission. None would tell me what it was about, nor where they were going. I am miles from the village, by the time I get there the child will have been born. My only hope is that someone notices that I have gone missing and comes to find me. Ishta would be welcomed even now, although I have once again set off without telling her where I am headed, something which I have been warned not to do repeatedly. Perhaps I am more like my parents than I had originally thought.

Pain wracks my body as my womb fights to expel my child from it's dark depths. I must remain calm and attempt the delivery myself, a feat that is only whispered of in our village. It does not help that we live with the fear of the unknown coming through the chappa'ai, and I curse myself for my foolishness at remaining for so long past the midday meal. Past the time that my adoptive father had promised to return. As I sit amongst the grasses, struggling for the breath to reach my tortured lungs, I hear the unmistakable sound of the chappa'ai engaging. I must remain silent, hidden, until I recognize the intruders. The first to step out is a stranger, silver haired and standing tall, followed by my adoptive father, Ry'ac. I know he is safe, but still I wait until the ring disengages and he is leading the way with Teal'c and my husband, a woman with hair like the sun following closely behind. Screaming for my father as pain fills me once again, I cry tears of relief that he has returned. His strong arms are around me in seconds, clutching me to him like when I was young. For once, I don't think about my birth father, I only cling to the one I know while writhing with pain. I am being torn from the inside out, my cries of pain are endless now. Suddenly, Teal'c nudges the woman forward and into my line of sight. My blue eyes meet hers, and I am suddenly afraid of her. I know she would never hurt me, but I still fear her touch. I turn instead to my mother's gentle hands as the men step back to give me my privacy.

"The child comes, Shae. You must push." my mother tells me kindly.

"Shae? This is Shae? Samantha Shae Carter-O'Neill?" the strange woman asks quickly. My mother and I are too caught up in the labor to answer, she runs to the silver haired man that came with Teal'c and they speak for several moments before he spins to stare at me. That much I can see.

My child fights to stay within me, even as I struggle to get it out. If not for my mother's quiet encouragements, I would have given up. I am exhausted and in pain, weeping with every new pain when my mother finally looks up at me, her smile bright. "I believe it to be almost over. One more push, Shae." she murmurs to me. Her hands brush the hair from my face and I realize that, for her, I am her daughter. No longer am I hidden, but in plain sight. For the first time in my life I am not the hidden child.

Bearing down, I force the child from me and collapse back against my father as my mother cleans my child and wraps it in her favorite head covering before handing it to me. I am in awe of this perfect being that my husband and I have created, and wonder fleetingly if this is how my birth mother felt when she held me for the first time, before she hid me away. Then Teal'c is kneeling in the grass beside me, I proudly hand my child to my grandfather. His eyes smile even though he does not, showing his happiness. I am aware then, of how close to me the strangers are. I turn to look up at them, slightly angry that they have seen my most private moment. My mother sees my hesitation, then the way I tuck my child closer against me for safety, and hastens to explain.

"They are your birth mother and father, my daughter."

My world comes to a halt, and dimly I see the woman reaching for me. I am afraid that she wants to take my baby to hide it as well. They are alarmed when I rise and move away from them, holding my child close. No one will take it from me. My grandfather reaches me first, allowing me space to walk he asks what is wrong.

"They will take my child, they will hide itl, I will not allow them to take my child away. I will not be party to their lies and deceptions any longer. Cor'rin and Ry'ac are my parents, Ishta my grandmother. I will not be parted from my child." I spit out in fear. Before I can move, the woman approaches. She has heard our soft exchange and come to intervene. I wrap my child in my arms, holding her gaze evenly.

"Shae-" She begins. I turn to my grandfather imploringly, I know he cannot resist me anything when I do this. This time, however, he does.

"These are your birth parents. They are not here for your child, but to see you." he tells me firmly. I know this tone, and feel tears well up in my eyes. But I do not relinquish my child to him, or anyone else. My husband takes my arm gently, leads me to the strangers. "Shae, I would like you to meet General O'Neill and Colonel Carter." he says gently. At the names, I take a deep breath. I was named for both of them. Teal'c said they ensured that. I look down at my child, fighting the urge to take it and run, never looking back. All I need to survive is my child. When Carter moves closer, I feel my grandfather's eyes on me. I know he is silently ordering me to show affection to them. But I can't.

Not until I know the truth.

"Why was I hidden?" I ask her bluntly. She seems unfazed by the question, as if she knew it was coming. Before she can speak, however, O'Neill steps in.

"We were afraid." He tells me. The words hang between us, I know he speaks the truth. It is what my grandfather tells me every time I ask him that same question.

"I was an infant, hardly bigger than this one. I do not believe that you were afraid of me." I say coldly.

"No, not really. We wanted to keep you, but our work got in the way. If you had been born to a normal couple, you would have been well looked after. As it was, we would have been court martialed out of the SGC. Our best option was to hide you until we retired and we could bring you to earth with us again, show you what you've been missing all these years." Carter continued. They are comfortable with one another, as if from years of knowing one another. I had dreamed that they were fighting their superiors to bring me home to Earth, and now, hearing it from their own mouths, the truth is too much for me to take.

"So go to Earth. Say nothing of me, and never return here. I will no longer be your secret, the hidden thing you never speak of. It is apparent to me that I was given away to protect your career, something I am glad I do not have. My child will know his true mother, as I have. My mother held me when I cried, stayed up with me when I was ill at night. My mother delivered my child, and you sent me away, to be hidden. In nineteen seasons, you never once sent word, never once came to see me. I will no longer be your hidden child, for I am no longer yours." I tell them, then gently soothe my crying child as I begin the walk back to the village.

My mother catches up with me, I hand her my child with a smile as she gently kisses my cheek.

I am no longer hidden, but am in plain view.


	2. Their Shame

_**A/N: This sequel to my fic "The Hidden Child" came about in a weird way after I watched Singularity again. I just couldn't see Jack treating any child like garbage to be thrown away, after how he and Sam were so kind to Cassandra. That, and I didn't like how I portrayed him to all of you who read my fic. I think I gave an accurate representation to him and the others in the Stargate World, please tell me what you think. Normally, I don't beg for reviews, but now, I'd love to hear what you all have to say. Happy Reading! VMD-J**_

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I never saw my daughter. She was taken away from me along with my wife, Samantha Carter O'Neill. Last I heard, Sam was assigned to a position slightly higher than chief cook and bottle washer at Area 51. No one asked my opinion, I guess they thought it didn't matter. It never occurred to me that she would keep quiet about our secret marriage, the blissful time we shared for three short, beautiful months.

It started one night, while curled in my arms, my golden angel softly asked me not to be angry. I couldn't breathe past the fear that clouded my chest, Sam, my angel, was afraid, and of me! After I had sworn not to be angry, she told me she was pregnant. Every hormone in my body was screaming, "Yes, dear god, yes! I've still got it!" while the rational part of me was slamming it's head against the wall in despair. I knew we couldn't face our superiors, tell them of what we had done. I think my silence must have scared my golden angel, cuz she sat up and stared at me, hard, waiting for a response.

"Who else knows?" I asked. I saw the hurt in her eyes, blame myself for putting it there.

"Teal'c and Daniel. I made them swear under pain of torturous death that they wouldn't say anything. I want this, Jack. It's a part of you, and a part of me. We can…we can tell people that it's someone else's, that you're just playing the part of the father so it doesn't know the truth." She was pleading now, almost crying. I smile and hold her close, reaching down between us to gently rest a hand on her stomach. Though I feel nothing, I know she's waiting for an answer. "I think I felt her kick!" I suddenly cry out. Sam is giggling now, she knows that I'll be there for her every step of the way. If only I could hold that time then in a bubble. So often does it slip through our fingers like sand, until there is nothing left but the memory of such sand.

Dr. Kisami does the required blood tests the next day in the SGC infirmary. Within two weeks, Sam and I are hauled before General Hammond, his features almost purple with suppressed rage. "Major Carter," he begins as Sam squirms in her seat. "You told me that you have no knowledge of the paternity of your child, nor the whereabouts of the father. In order to protect you and your unborn child, it was searched for any trace of disease, as were you. Imagine our surprise when said child turned up to have the Ancient gene. When we checked the DNA against the genetic samples here, Colonel O'Neill was proven to be the father. Explain yourself." he ordered firmly. My gut clenches tightly with fear for her and the life she carries. Straightening in her seat, Sam faces him stoically. "It was the day after the mission to PX7-W15. We were both drunk, and…things happened. The colonel didn't know of the baby, I hadn't told him. I was going to tell him that I didn't know the father, and that I wanted to raise it alone." She stated firmly. I know Sam too well. Always protecting me. "That's not true, sir. We both knew. We're actually…married. Have been for over three months now." I felt Sam kick my ankle under the table, I kicked back.

"Thank you for your honesty, Colonel. I was wondering if you'd tell me the truth without me having to show you this." Hammond produces our marriage license and Sam bites her lip. "This is what we're going to do."

Teal'c is in on the plan, as is Daniel. They know what to do. Sam and I are separated, to protect our careers. At the moment, I want nothing to do with the military and their affiliations. They took my golden angel from me.

Teal'c remained with Sam, ostensibly to look after her while I'm away. Daniel sends her anonymous notes, threatening her life. Someone has to keep up appearances for Teal'c's continued presence at her side. I hate the lies, the secrecy. My child should be born in the gate room, on the ramp, with the gate billowing out behind, a full military band playing something to herald the arrival of my daughter.

Yes, it's a girl. Teal'c and I figured out a system in which I asked his choice of weapon every day. An innocuous question, but one that meant the world. If Sam was carrying my son, Teal'c would respond with 'Staff weapon', and for a girl his answer would be '9 millimeter'. Any other weapon meant that he didn't know at the time. When I heard the words, I nearly cried for joy. She would have Sam's blue eyes, my dark hair, a dimple in her cheek, and a grin on her face. I waited to see the baby, knowing Sam would undoubtedly send photos. I never knew how far down the deception went to protect my daughter. Months later, through the grapevine, someone let slip that a certain demoted astrophysicist had been ordered to terminate her pregnancy, and she had done so to protect the father. I was hurt, but made sure Sam knew it. She called when she received the divorce papers. I hung up on her. For three long years, we didn't speak to one another. Then, when I was wandering the hallways of the SGC not wanting to go to my lonely bed, Teal'c found me. He had been on a visit to Hak'tyl to see his son and bonded daughter, taking with him, of all things, a camera. Now that he was back, he embraced me warmly, forget the fact that the last words he had spoken to me were ones that no man should ever hear from his best friend. We argued, he said something about my honor, and I returned them about his. We both knew the other was hurt, but neither wanted to say anything to fix that hurt. We hadn't spoken in over three months. Now, here he was, hugging me tightly and gripping my arm in the manner of a brother that had been missing for years. When he drew away, the small photo stayed in my hand. I thought it might have been of Sam, I crumpled it and tucked it in my pocket, forgetting about it. It was hours later when I was jolted out of my sleep by harsh laughter from a Marine outside my door that I remembered my gift. Snapping on the bedside light, I fumbled in my laundry to find the photo. Smoothing it out, I gasped in shock. Cor'rin and Ry'ac, on Hak'tyl, happy, laughing, and clutching a child between them that in no way, shape, or form was their daughter. Her long, wavy blond hair was Sam's, I knew. The blue eyes Sam's as well. But she looked like me. Her grin, her eye shape, the jaw line, all mine. I almost flew to Teal'c's room, finding him deep in kelno'reem. At my entrance, he raised an eyebrow. And waited.

No words could describe the joy, the sheer love I felt for the nameless child, knowing she was mine, that she was safe.

"How…When…Who….T, thank you. " The rest of my words lodge in my throat as Daniel steps in behind me and closes the door. I dimly recall passing him a few hundred feet farther down the hallway. "Hammond had her do it, start the rumor to get the IOA off her back. She wasn't even showing in her third month, so telling people that she was a month along and that she'd be having an abortion the next day kinda' had anyone believing. Didn't you get the message?" Daniel asks softly. I could only shake my head as Teal'c hands the camera to Daniel, letting the archeologist move to the computer. I always wondered why T wanted a computer. He never once needed one before.

When Daniel hooks the computer to the camera, I see even more pictures of the little girl. In every one she is smiling, even when not looking to the camera. Ry'ac is with her in several, a broad smile on his face as he holds her hand, lifts her above his head, or simply sits with her on his lap. A true daddy's girl, she has him wrapped around her finger. The ones he took of Cor'rin take my breath away. The pretty young teenaged girl I had met some years before is now a lovely young woman, motherhood certainly suits her. In several of the photos I notice that her clothing fits snugly about her waist, turn to Teal'c for clarification. "Young Samantha Shae Carter-O'Neill asked for a younger brother on her last life day. It was met with much sadness, since Cor'rin is incapable of carrying another child. Yet, she is only a few weeks away from giving birth to her second." There is no mistaking the obvious pride in Teal'c's voice as he watches his family. He named her after both of us, only to tell the SGC that it was because we were revered on Chulak and Hak'tyl.

Through the years I longed to see my daughter, my baby, her family. Hear her voice calling for me. My arms ache from the loss of her tiny form, I know she is safe and happy, but at what cost to her mother and I? Sam and I spend another ten years in silence between us before Daniel invites me to dinner. No big deal, it was now a twice a month thing for us, every other Friday night I'd go to his house, get wasted, and talk about anything that came to mind. He would lecture Teal'c and me on the intricacies of language, I'd vocally field strip a P-90 and put it back together. Teal'c would sit between us, no one speaking of what was truly on our minds.

That night, however, he neglected to inform me that my ex-wife was going to be the guest of honor. Come to find out, he had neglected to inform her of the fact that I was coming. After several seconds of a pissing contest, (Read staring match) Daniel told us the truth. Sam didn't know I knew the baby was still alive. I didn't know she didn't know I knew. In all that time, thirteen long years, I haven't touched my angel. Now she stands before me, the weight of our lies on her shoulders. Her once sparkling blue eyes are cold and hard, like ice. She has let her hair grow longer, it cascades over her shoulders like a golden waterfall. Thick and luxurious, it only serves to make her look more harsh. Hathor herself would look positively cuddly next to my golden angel. She hasn't smiled in almost a decade, so the lines that mar her forehead say. I dread what I must look like to her, my hair now completely silver, my jaw covered in days old stubble, my uniform hanging off my too-thin frame. If she had stayed, if our baby had been given to us…but that would not have made us strong, would not have given us hope for the future. Then, I am reaching for her, wanting only to hold her, forgetting that she despises me, that I am the one person that broke her heart.

And I think she forgives me, meeting me halfway. Only, it's her hands gripping my arms to brace herself as she drives her knee into my pelvis, destroying any further hope of me ever standing up at the urinal after that. When the blackness recedes, Sam is giving Daniel a stern dressing down for not keeping her abreast of the situation. Abreast. I can only laugh at her use of the word, laugh until I am crying. Sam has never seen me cry. Not once. Not even when I thought I had lost her off world to a Goa'uld staff weapon on one of our last missions together. We're clinging to one another then, sobbing like children, rocking back and forth in one another's embrace. It is then Teal'c hands us a new photo of our daughter. She rides at Ishta's side, proudly, a warrior in her own right, long blond hair flowing down to her waist. Looking for all the world like an angel.

I find out later that Sam had begged Teal'c to make sure I got photos. Never asked for any herself. But he gave them to her. She has them in a safe, in a scrapbook, documenting each year with handwritten notes of the occasion. Mine are just stuffed into a box and buried at the bottom of my closet, where I pull them out every night and stare at them until the ache in my arms goes away and I sleep fitfully, pressed between the wall and my combat boots.

Four years later, Teal'c announces his granddaughter's impending marriage. When Sam and I both ask to be allowed to attend her marriage, General Landry for all his kindness and concerns, can't understand why. Daniel and Teal'c go in our place, and I hold Sam in the safety of my bathroom, the one place where I can hold my wife and not be seen. We cling to each other for support until Daniel comes to us, silently slides more photos of our daughter under the door before disappearing into the bowels of the SGC to leave us to our daughter and our grief.

Shae is decked out in the cultural dress of her adopted people, a broad smile on her face as she stands with her mother and father. Her father, Ry'ac, has been good to her it is easy to see. I only hope that she has been told the heroic stories of her mother and me. Another man gave my baby away, gave away that which was not his to begin with. I tell Sam as much, and she bites her lips. I see the tears she hides behind her façade of coolness. Icy calm. Ever the soldier. My golden angel.

When next I see Ry'ac, two years have passed since my daughter's bonding. Ry'ac brings a young man with him, does not explain his purpose to me, but for some reason the man seems familiar. Sam shoots to her feet when she greets him, a hand coming to cover her mouth. "You're…you're Kel'ac, aren't you?" she asks wonderingly. At his nod, she squeals and grabs him in a tight hug. "Shae, how is she, you must tell me everything about her, is she alright, why didn't she come?" she asks, never pausing once for breath. "GeneralO'Neill, SamanthaCarter, I formally request your presence on Hak'tyl over a matter of dispute." Teal'c informs me gravely, a smile in his eyes. I find myself running frantically down the hall to Landry's office and informing him of the urgent dispute that Teal'c himself has requested my presence for. Teal'c appears in the doorway moments later to add his tale, something about rebel Jaffa, needing hired guns, military hero presence, and some other bullshit. My heart is pounding, for the first time in nineteen years, I get to see my baby angel. Landry attributes my excitement to the fact that I haven't been off world in twenty years, due to my promotion.

Hammond fixed it so that I wouldn't be tempted to see my daughter every time I traveled off world, by suggesting to the President that I would be better suited to a position in Washington.

When Landry agrees, his only stipulation is that I take Carter and Jackson. I practically turn cartwheels back to my room on base to prepare for the trip. A pair of underwear and three shirts crammed into a duffle bag later, and I'm good. Sam takes a little longer, wanting to bring everything that she can think of to show our daughter. An hour later, I'm walking through the gate onto Hak'tyl. Ry'ac explains that Shae is waiting at the village to meet us, his eyes shining he explains that she is with child. I hear a rustling in the grasses beside me, then a young woman cries out in both fear and pain. Corr'in, Ry'ac, and Kel'ac rush to help her, I see a flash of blond hair before Teal'c draws me and Daniel away. "Everything okay?" Daniel asks.

"A woman from the village is bringing forth a child." Teal'c tells us. Sam backs up until she reaches me, her eyes meet mine. But for this distraction, we would be on our way to the village, to see our daughter. "It's Shae. She's having a baby." Sam tells me then, and I spin to find Cor'rin unknowingly blocking my view. When she moves, slightly, I see Shae's eyes. She's afraid of me, looks down and away at my gaze. I give her the due privacy, while waiting to hold her and my grandchild. "I believe it to be almost over. One more push, Shae!" Cor'rin cries happily. I feel Sam suddenly deflate beside me as she turns to me.

"She's not ours, Sir." she says softly.

"Carter?" I ask questioningly. "Shae. She's not our daughter anymore. If she was, you would be in the infirmary pacing the waiting room and I would be holding her hand while she delivers. Instead, she's got Ry'ac to hold her up, and Cor'rin to deliver. They are her parents now, Jack. Not us, no matter how much we may want it, she's not ours. Maybe when she was littler, before she grew up and married, but not anymore. We lost her, after so many years of trying to keep her." Sam tells me softly. I can't breathe past the lump in my throat. I'm losing my baby all over again, unable to hide the ache in my heart I stare out across the horizon as Sam attempts to gain admittance to Cor'rin's daughter's heart.

"Why was I hidden?" Shae demands bitterly.

I step forward, I can field this one.

"We were afraid." I explain.

"I was an infant, hardly bigger than this one. I do not believe that you were afraid of me." Cut to the quick, I can only stare at her as Carter takes over explaining.

"No, not really. We wanted to keep you, but our work got in the way. If you had been born to a normal couple, you would have been well looked after. As it was, we would have been court martialed out of the SGC. Our best option was to hide you until we retired and we could bring you to earth with us again, show you what you've been missing all these years." She smiles and reaches to touch Teal'c's granddaughter only to have the girl step out of range. I can't remember when she became Teal'c's granddaughter. When she stopped being mine. But she isn't mine.

"So go to Earth. Say nothing of me, and never return here. I will no longer be your secret, the hidden thing you never speak of. It is apparent to me that I was given away to protect your career, something I am glad I do not have. My child will know his true mother, as I have. My mother held me when I cried, stayed up with me when I was ill at night. My mother delivered my child, and you sent me away, to be hidden. In nineteen seasons, you never once sent word, never once came to see me. I will no longer be your hidden child, for I am no longer yours." Shae snapped angrily. Spinning on her heel, she walked away, toward the town, Cor'rin followed after a few seconds, then Ry'ac. She was, after all, their daughter.

As I watch, Shae hands Cor'rin the child, both women smile before Cor'rin moves to kiss Shae's cheek.

In that moment, I realize that I have made a terrible mistake in letting go of my daughter. Daniel steps up beside me, a hand on my shoulder.

"Why'd you name her Shae?" he asks suddenly in the stillness that is only broken by the gently rushing wind blowing through the grasses.

"Sam's mom's name." I reply. Sam is heartbroken, the child she carried for nine months is gone for good now, as if she had never existed.

"Just wondering. I take it you didn't know what it meant in Jaffa?" he asked. I give him a withering stare as Teal'c approaches. My morbid curiosity overwhelms me a minute later and I turn on him.

"Spill. What's it mean?"

It means, basically translated, 'hidden shame of the family'. Teal'c never told you?" Daniel asked.

Even now, my daughter must live with the stigma of her conception and birth. My shame is transferred onto my beautiful daughter, for all to see.

The End


	3. Carter Speaks

I never got to hold her. Teal'c wouldn't let me, as if he knew that when I touched my baby, my daughter, I would never let her go again. Samantha Shae Carter-O'Neill, born to a mother and father that loved her, that wanted nothing more than to care for her, but weren't allowed. Shae wasn't supposed to be born. Shae couldn't be born, the product of a hidden marriage to Colonel Jack O'Neill and myself.

I was ordered away from my husband when I was two and a half months along with her, ordered to terminate the pregnancy. I couldn't do that to Jack. I couldn't let him lose another child, and at my hand no less. So, I lied. I began wearing the lab coats of my fellow physicists, to better hide the bump Shae's tiny body made while nestled so close to my heart.

I think back to that time, when she was barely there and I could feel the kicks and elbow jabs she threw at me. Wonder if she ever knew I even existed. Wonder if she knows the truth about her coming to be.

Teal'c would tell her. He brings me photos of her each year when he visits his son and bonded daughter. I made him promise that he would make duplicates and give them to Jack, Jack needs to see what he and I both are fighting the regs for. Needs to keep up his spirits.

He heard of the rumor saying that I terminated the pregnancy, he believed that I had killed our baby. How could he think me so heartless? I fell deeply in love with Cassandra when she first came to us, refused to leave her alone when the bomb inside her was threatening to go off. Held her when she cried in my arms.

How can he believe that I would kill our baby?

He sent me divorce papers. When I called, he hung up on me. I called Daniel next, cried on his shoulder until there was nothing left inside me. Nothing but my hidden baby. Cried out the love I had for my CO, the pain and anguish I was feeling until I was sure there was nothing left of me inside, merely an empty shell where I had once been.

Daniel spent that night with me, holding me until I slept.

And while I slept, I dreamt of my baby. Jack's dark hair, his brown eyes. She was only four in the dream, but she was alone in the gate room, looking around for her parents. As loudly as I screamed for her, she couldn't hear me. She was sobbing, wailing for me and Jack, fat tears running down her little cheeks as Hammond came forward to place a medal around her tiny neck.

"For bravery above and beyond the call of duty. For courage in the face of all odds." He droned on and on, layering my baby with the medals until she was forced to her knees by the sheer weight of them. I woke up screaming, still in Daniel's embrace.

It was then that I made the decision that would haunt me the rest of my life. Even though it was oh-two-hundred, Teal'c came right over.

My baby would have a family. I would see to that.

Teal'c would take her to Chulak, for her to be raised with Ry'ac and Cor'rin's child. As a member of the Taur'e, she would be accepted on their world, cared for and given every opportunity to survive. And I would visit her at least once a year, with Teal'c.

Unfortunately, I started labor some months later while in the middle of rewiring a naquadah generator in order to squeeze even more power from it. My lab coat hid my pregnancy well, no one had even guessed that I was still carrying Shae. Summoning Teal'c, my ever present shadow, we left the safety of the mountain. Yes, I had been shipped back from Area 51 to Cheyenne Mountain once the threatening notes began pouring in, another lie Hammond had put in place for us. I knew Daniel hated the subterfuge, as did we all. He sent the carefully worded threats that I wrote out, making it seem as if Nevada wasn't the safest place for me. I don't think anyone realized what we were doing to protect Colonel, now General, O'Neill. I was only happy to be back on familiar ground. Once Teal'c, Daniel, and I had outlined our plan, the general agreed to it. he knew it was only a matter of time before I caved to his demands that the child not be raised in the SGC. That would start too many rumors.

When I first felt that harsh pain settle on me, I knew. Shae was on her way out. Teal'c and I had spent the last several months on the mountainside, away from surveillance cameras, going over Lamaze techniques under the guise of my learning the art of kel'noreem. He always carried a dufflebag I had packed for that day, a baby blanket, diapers, bottles, and formula, along with his kel'noreem mat. No one even guessed what we were doing. Since I had waited so long to call Teal'c, my labor had progressed quickly. Shae practically crawled out under her own steam.

Teal'c was the one she saw first. Her big blue eyes latched onto his, and she wailed in the sudden coolness after the warmth of being inside me for so long. He wrapped her in the blanket we had packed, then gently helped me to my feet again. I was astounded by the gentleness he used to carry my baby.

The walk to the mountain was silent, Teal'c waited to roll Shae into his kel'noreem mat until we were almost within sight of the entrance to the mountain. Then she was gone from me for good. Shae was walked in secrecy through the stargate, to a place that would protect her from harm. And I, as her mother, had let her go.

The years passed slowly, we saw General Hammond retire while I was in Nevada and Landry take over. I don't think Landry knew of my…indiscretion…with my CO. I sure as hell wasn't about to do it again.

Jack gave up on me, and I gave up our baby. How could we do this to one another, our wedding rings were inscribed with the Latin words _Semper Fidelis_, Always Faithful.

But we broke even that promise.

Thirteen years later, Jack and I see each other for the first time. He looks…old. Worn. Tired. His hair is completely silver now, and he walks with a slight limp. His knee always acted up. But then he smirks at me, the famous half grin that said he felt nothing over the last years. I'm so angry at him that I can't help myself, I knee him in a coward's shot. He goes down and I scream at Daniel for not keeping me abreast of the general's whereabouts.

Jack gurgles something from where he lies on the floor, slowly turning nine shades of red as he clutches his manhood.

_Abreast. _

Typical Jack O'Neill, hitting me with that. Even I can see where he is going with it, and before I know it I'm in his arms as he cries. My Jack O'Neill is crying. He never cries. Not even over the death of his ex-wife some years before. Yes, I went to the funeral, but he didn't see me. I wasn't part of it, watched from a distance.

He grieves for our little girl, a proud warrior of the Free Jaffa. Ishta herself trained Shae as a warrior, and now Shae could take down me if she ever had to. Not that she would ever get the chance, seeing as how Jack and I aren't allowed off world any longer. We may as well be retired for all the good we do at the SGC.

When I pull away, Jack holds my gaze. I see the hurt, the pain. Know he has suffered like I have. I lost everything, and now I know I won't be alone. Jack takes me back, back into Daniel's guest bedroom, where we talk out the past thirteen years. Jack tells me he still has his ring. I never signed the divorce papers he sent. Technically, we're still married.

If Daniel heard the frenzied noises coming from his guest bedroom later that night, he never once mentioned it.

Jack and I resumed our marital status after that, I sold my home and moved back into his. Life moved on for us, with the exception of our beautiful baby girl. Jack freezes when he sees pictures of her now, as if afraid to touch them. I love him all the more for his insecurity.

Four years of photographs later, Teal'c announces that Shae is getting married. I cry bitter tears in the bathroom of my quarters, Jack clutching me for comfort when Landry denies us the mission. We will never get to see our baby. I am all for giving the general everything in a tell-all book complete with up-to-date charts and diagrams if it will only make him let me see my baby again. Jack would support me, I know. But he loves his job. I can't do that to him.

So, we return to our normal lives, celebrating our daughter's birth alone, her marriage alone, Teal'c and Daniel remain a part of the fabric of our lives each and every time.

It is difficult to know that Shae is so close, only a gate away, and yet so far from me. I have never heard the sound of her voice, only the tiny scream she produced when I first pushed her from me. I need my baby, need her with me like I need air. Without her, I am nothing.

She resembles Jack in the photos Teal'c brings us. Only with my blond hair and blue eyes. Hers flows to her waist, while mine is still cropped short.

It is after I see the most recent photo that I begin to let my hair grow out. Jack seems tp like it, so I let it grow to midback.

I am working on the technical readouts of something or other when Jack barrels into the room, Teal'c and Daniel at his heels, Cor'rin and Ry'ac bringing up the rear with a younger man between them. I recognize him instantly, Kel'ac, Shae's husband. He's already received permission for us to go off world, some sort of dispute that the women warriors of Hak'tyl have practically ordered the SGC to send. The air leaves my lungs and I sit, staring at the door until Teal'c gently reminds me that I must go pack. Then I am flying after Jack to my suite of rooms where I see him frantically stuffing what looks like three shirts and a pair of underwear into his bag. "Do you know what's going on, sir?" I ask Jack.

"Not a clue. Some dispute, who cares! We're-we're going off world." he tells me softly. I know that is a euphemism for what he really wants to say. For what is on both our minds. An hour later, I'm on Jack's six like a leech as he walks through the gate. We assemble on the other side, Kel'ac getting the nod from Teal'c.

Something is up.

I know my old friend too well not to see the hint of a smile playing at the corners of his eyes.

"The reason I pressed for you to come is Shae." Kel'ac begins. A woman cries out in pain then from somewhere in the grasses, and we all turn as one. Cor'rin finds her first, Rya'c with her only a few seconds later. Teal'c draws us away to give the girl privacy.

"What's happened to her?" I hear Jack ask Kel'ac. I see the girl then, her eyes and hair are mine but there the resemblance stops. She is all O'Neill. I let my gaze travel down her, inspecting my baby for any sign of injury, stopping on the enormous mound that rises from her belly.

"It's Shae, sir. She's having a baby!" I cry in excitement. Jack spins to look, his eyes meet hers and he turns to Teal'c for an answering nod.

"Indeed."

"I believe it to be almost over, one more push Shae!" Cor'rin orders, wiping her daughter's sweaty blond hair away from her face. Ry'ac gathers it up in a strong hand, letting air blow across Shae's neck.

I remember from my own hours of labor how good the breeze felt against my heated skin. Soon, I will be able to hold Teal'c's great grandchild, tell it the stories of Earth. When the child comes, Shae lets out a cry of pain that tears my heart. I turn to Jack then, knowing in my soul what must be said.

"She's not ours, Sir."

"Carter?" he asks in surprise.

"Shae. She's not our daughter anymore. If she was, you would be in the infirmary pacing the waiting room and I would be holding her hand while she delivers. Instead, she's got Ry'ac to hold her up, and Cor'rin to deliver. They are her parents now, Jack. Not us, no matter how much we may want it, she's not ours. Maybe when she was littler, before she grew up and married, but not anymore. We lost her, after so many years of trying to keep her." I try to explain without hurting him, but I see the pain in his gaze as he turns away. Shae is afraid of us, clutching her child close when I approach. Ry'ac helps her to stand, an arm about her waist as he whispers something to her. I am a stranger to her, one that wants to tear her from the home she has known for so long.

"Why was I hidden?" She demands bitterly. The animosity in her voice breaks my heart. Jack steps in to answer when I can't.

"We were afraid." He tells her gently.

"I was an infant, hardly bigger than this one. I do not believe that you were afraid of me." She snaps back, eyes narrow with suppressed fury.

"No, not really. We wanted to keep you, but our work got in the way. If you had been born to a normal couple, you would have been well looked after. As it was, we would have been court martialed out of the SGC. Our best option was to hide you until we retired and we could bring you to earth with us again, show you what you've been missing all these years." I try to tell her the truth, but she will have none of it. Moves away when I reach to touch her cheek.

"So go to Earth. Say nothing of me, and never return here. I will no longer be your secret, the hidden thing you never speak of. It is apparent to me that I was given away to protect your career, something I am glad I do not have. My child will know his true mother, as I have. My mother held me when I cried, stayed up with me when I was ill at night. My mother delivered my child, and you sent me away, to be hidden. In nineteen seasons, you never once sent word, never once came to see me. I will no longer be your hidden child, for I am no longer yours." Shae snapped angrily. Spinning on her heel, she walked away, toward the village, Cor'rin followed after a few seconds, then Ry'ac. She was, after all, their daughter.

As I watch, Shae hands Cor'rin the child, both women smile before Cor'rin moves to kiss Shae's cheek.

In that moment, I realize that I have made a terrible mistake in letting go of my daughter. I heard Daniel and Jack talking quietly amongst themselves, but nothing registers. We haven't even reached the village and we are not welcome. I watch my baby walk away from me until she disappears over the horizon, then I face Jack. "Let's go home, sir. Looks like the Free Jaffa won this one." I say, trying to lighten the mood. But nothing can lighten it. Nothing can undo the past.


End file.
